Ke$ha: Tik Tok

So Lyrics, Weakly is going to be preempted next week by your host flying in really tiny airplanes across Alaska, so this week i’ll be taking on a song that i’ve wanted to deal with for months: the hit song “Tik Tok”, by the unpronounceably named Ke$ha.

I’ve held back on this one up to this point even though the idiocy of the lyrics strikes me anew every time i hear it come up on the radio, though. Why? Because i can’t escape the feeling that Ke$ha (sorry, can’t type that with a straight face—her name’s actually Kesha Rose Sebert) wrote lyrics that idiotic completely on purpose. But you know what? I’ve decided that idiocy is idiocy, even when it’s a front.

So let’s join our heroine (technically our antiheroine, i suppose) as she starts our story at the beginning of her busy, busy day…

Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy (Hey, what up girl?)

So you wake up in the morning feeling like an overweight black man? That makes this, I think, the only reference to hallucinogens in this entire song.

Oh, and Ms Sebert—i would have thought that someone as with it and hip and all as you profess to be would realize that, at least in the United States, calling Diddy “P Diddy” is so five years ago.

Put my glasses on, I’m out the door
I’m gonna hit this city (Let’s go)

I would recommend against hitting cities. Since they’re usually made of things like asphalt and steel and tempered glass, you’re more likely to end up with bruises on your hand than anything else.

Well, unless this city is built on rock and roll. In that case, go right ahead.

Before I leave brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack
Cause when I leave for the night, I ain’t coming back

Two completely separate but related idiocies here.

First of all: You brush your teeth with a bottle of Jack Daniels?!? Yes, i realize that whiskey has a fairly high alcohol content and so may have antimicrobial properties, but really, regular brushing with a fluoride toothpaste is your best route to dental health.

And then the next line gives the reason for this unconventional dental health regimen. So why, exactly, is Ms Sebert doing this? Because she isn’t coming back tonight.

Yeah, that works. And you know why i’m going to eat lunch around midday tomorrow? Because my coat needs cleaning.

Makes about as much sense as she did.

I’m talking pedicure on our toes, toes
Trying on all our clothes, clothes

I’m sure that all the retail clerks and pedicure practitioners (what are they actually called, anyway?) out there will be more than happy to serve your drunkard’s breath-smelling self, Ms Sebert. It just makes their day when a lush walks into their place and demands service, it really does.

Boys blowing up our phones, phones

I know what this line is supposed to mean, but i can’t get away from the literal reading.

Drop-topping, playing our favorite CDs

I think my life would be perfect and complete if one of these was a recording of Los Romeros performing Vivaldi guitar concertos.

Pulling up to the parties
Trying to get a little bit tipsy

Trying? This from a woman who brushes her teeth with Jack Daniels? All i can say is either you’re not trying hard enough, or you’ve built up a really frightening tolerance.

Don’t stop, make it pop

Notice that she never tells us what this it is that’s supposed to pop. I’m not certain, but i have my suspicions.

DJ, blow my speakers up

More explosions. All we need is a car chase, and we’ve got a summer movie.

Tonight, Ima fight
Til we see the sunlight

Drunken catfight!

Tick tock, on the clock
But the party don’t stop no
Woah-oh uh oh
Woah-oh uh oh

The party isn’t stopping even though the clock is ticking? Wow, she is a party animal. I know that any parties i go to stop instantly the moment the clock starts ticking.

In other news, i sometimes use sarcasm on this blog.

Ain’t got a care in world, but got plenty of beer
Ain’t got no money in my pocket, but I’m already here

Can somebody explain that last line to me? I mean, i’m trying to imagine a conversation in which that would be a logical thing to say. Well, unless somebody asked her how much money she has and where she is, which is just a bizarre thing to ask someone at a party, but she apparently goes to different parties than i do. And even if that’s what she was asked, the but in the middle of the line continues to make no sense.

You know, i may be on thin ice about this, but i’m starting to suspect that some of the phrases Ms Sebert uses in this song are simply to fill gaps in the meter rather than actually conveying logical meaning in any of the ways people usually use language.

And now, the dudes are lining up cause they hear we got swagger
But we kick em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger

Really?

Mick Jagger?

Mick Jagger, the lead singer of the Rolling Stones Mick Jagger?

I generally put links to pictures in this blog, but i think this merits an actual picture right here:

You really mean that is what a guy has to look like for you to allow him to hang out with you?

So not only are you a drunk with no sense of logic, you’re also either blind or have no taste.

I’m voting no taste, by the way.

I’m talking about everybody getting crunk, crunk
Boys trying to touch my junk, junk
Gonna smack him if he getting too drunk, drunk

Nice double standard—you’re allowed to get drunk, but this Mick Jagger-looking dude isn’t? Now you’re a jerk, too.

Now, now we goin’ til they kicked us out, out
Or the police shut us down, down
Police shut us down, down
Po-po shut us

Ima let you finish, but the Police were the best shut-down trio in the business!

DJ, you build me up, you break me down
My heart, it pounds, yeah, you got me
With my hands up you got me now
You got that sound, yeah, you got me
DJ, you build me up, you break me down
My heart, it pounds, yeah, you got me
With my hands up
Get your hands up
Put your hands up

This bridge makes no sense either. The DJ builds her up and breaks her down, all because of the sound? I mean, I get the heart pounding thing—heart palpitations are a symptom of binge drinking, after all—but the rest of it simply seems an excuse to break out the Auto-Tune while continuing to say nothing. Again.

Now, the party don’t start until I walk in

So up to this line we had her pegged as a drunken jerk with no sense of logic or taste. Let’s add arrogant to the list of character traits.

Yeah, you’re making yourself look real desirable here, Ms Sebert.

And for what it’s worth, the party was going fine before you walked in. You walking in simply brought in enough alcohol vapors that the place is explosive now.

And then we get a few more repetitions of the chorus, which i’ll skip—i think i’ve had quite enough of this encounter, and y’all probably have to.

I’ll see y’all in two weeks. Go party in the meantime, and be happy neither Ke$ha nor Mick Jagger is there.